The end of an argument or discussion should be, not victory, but enlightenment.
Joseph Joubert
As I work with groups of people in boards, clubs, or even churches, I am always watching to see how a difference of opinion is handled by colleagues and friends.
I've observed situations where the two people who disagree stay calm, refrain from insults and are willing to listen to each other. On the other hand, I've also seen situations where emotions run high, sarcasm reigns and the slightest objection, or even a request for an explanation is taken as a personal insult.
In some cases, I've seen friendships and even family relationships ruined over what began as a very simple difference of opinion! It's as if the offended person is saying, "Okay! Now that you don't agree with me, I have to hate you forever!"
While it's true that it can be difficult to get your point across without saying hurtful things, it is also possible to resolve problems and remain collected and reasonable.
When you're faced with that difficult conversation remain calm. Focus on keeping your voice at a steady, low tone. If you get emotional, remind yourself that you must maintain your dignity and that lashing out will not help.
Make sure the other person knows that you are willing to listen and that you respect them. Always remember that even though you may not agree with what they are saying, they feel just as strongly about their views as you do about yours!
Be reasonable. The outcome may not be exactly what you wanted, but let's face it, most people don't get exactly what they want!
Set healthy boundaries for the discussion. If an argument is going on and on, it's likely that nothing will be accomplished and everyone involved becomes emotionally drained, tired, and more likely to make irrational decisions. (Professional counselors and mediators say that after an hour, you are simply repeating the same things over and over.)
Another thing to remember regarding healthy boundaries is that if someone is being verbally abusive, insulting, or just plain obnoxious, it's wise to end the discussion with a promise to get in touch later and walk away. That may seem obnoxious in itself, but it's far better to step away than end up in a situation where both sides are saying things they don't really intend to say!
Keep in mind that the result of a disagreement should be enlightenment and a clearer understanding of the other person's views. There is no victory in just "winning" an argument for the sake of winning!
Finally, remember this: Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. - Paul Boese
Blessings,
Sharon
